I was listening to my iPod one day and thought of this. Hope you like it(:
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I don’t really know what was wrong and I definitely don’t know what I did, but Dustin Hagers was angry, fierce even. With me. He walked into the cafeteria with such rage and determination, it scared me. I was already upset and crying. My eyes hurt and my heart was making a perfect split down the middle. But I knew for a fact I wasn’t causing a scene. Just one to three of my friends knew of my depression and was next to me every step of the way.
I was at the table closest to the entry doors of the cafeteria, standing with my arms crossed, hood up, listening to my friends tales of their weekend,
“Celia!” I heard my name hollered, escaping the lips of Dustin Hagers. I lazily raised my eyes, I felt so numb. I didn’t really fallow what he was saying, I just know that Dustin was mad, aggravated, and whatever he was saying, it was in a hushed tone. My arms were still crossed, my hood was still up, and my eyes were still lazy. I didn’t look at Dustin. I just looked past him at nothing. He was gradually getting angrier at the fact that I wasn’t paying attention. I exhaled slowly, closing my eyes hazily. I reopened them to examine Dustin’s face.
First, I looked at his eyes. His dark, golden-brown eyes, they were very rare. Usually, they were mysterious. But now, looking into them, they were dangerous and painful. His brows were burrowed, and they always overshadowed his eyes. His teeth were clenched, intensely breathing. His light brown hair messy and distorted. He was on a rampage, to the point where his hushed words turned into yells of frustration.
I just stood there, not really knowing what to expect. “Look at me!” Dustin yelled. He grabbed my wrists as I clenched my fists. He thrust me back against the lunch table. My head went back but my eyes were still calm. I looked and saw one of my friends faces in total dismay. Then, I was hurled back up. A pain went screeching through my back, mainly around my shoulder blade area. I felt my eyes swell with tears. He was still holding my wrists and I heard muffled yells and screams that sounded like my friends. But the whole time I just stood there, taking in.
Finally, I let loose. I exploded. “Who the hell do you think you are?” Instinct took over and my hand reached back and back-handed him across the face. After that, I saw a small drop of blood trickle down from a cut on his cheek. The ring on my finger had cut his face. Then I stormed out of the cafeteria, ignoring all the yelling from the teachers and “Stop’s” from everyone around me. I reached the bathroom and broke down in front of the mirror.
I slowly, but easily, lifted my shirt. A purple-blue bruise extended from my left shoulder blade to my right. A simple line, deep into my skin. Tears ran down my face as my breathing calmed. I eased my hand up to the bruise, careful of hurting myself. I lightly touched it and instantly winced. I moved my arms back down and winced again, it hurt to move my arms at all. I started to cry even more.
What did I do to deserve this?
End of chapter
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,424 Reviews
Aw thank you!! That means a lot to me, fox!
There are other parts to the story, indeed! If you check them out, maybe they'll
clear a few questions up(:
Thanks so much!
Day tripper...i like it...
though i am confuse what casued him to be angry...i think it gave a series of suspense and some mystery to it.
though i admit i am not good in checking the grammar or the style, i just have to say that it is a good story.
you must ahve work hard just to get to this point day tripper
Well see, this all happend so quick but Celia is so numb that she could barely keep track of what was going on. And when she was running out, that's when the teachers finally got there.
and yeah when her she was slammed against the lunch table the bruise appeared.
That was exciting, it defintitely kept my attention.
I was perplexed; did Celias long deep bruise happen in the cafeteria, or before? Also, it makes no sense that teachers and other students would have no response to this berating and Dustin's abuse of Celia, or of Celia slapping him. Try to develop the scene using the other characters, were the teachers yelling, were the other students scared, excited, chanting "fight, fight, fight", or what?
I didn't notice any punctuation errors, all in all I think it was a good piece that should definitely be expanded/continued on.
Thanks(:
Yeah, I didn't know how to rephrase some of the sentances I used.
I rather liked this, but before I go into detail I'll check this first.
I didn’t look at Dustin. I just looked past him at nothing.
instead of hurt- which doesn't make any sense. Use hurtful or painful
This is too long. Perhaps you could use this. His teeth were clenched. He was breathing intensely, and his light brown hair was messy and distorted. or- His teeth were clenched, intensely breathing. His light brown hair messy and distorted.
What hit Celia? This doens't make sense. Please reword it.
You should use another word than 'Lazy' maybe relaxed or calm.
This sentence isn't good. We still know Dustin is holding Celia's wrists. Get rid of 'that Dustin had a hold of the whole time.'
As he still held my wrists, I heard to my ears. Muffied yells and screams from my friends.
Finally I let use. I exploded. Don't stretch this.
And then- get rid of this. Instinct took over, my hand reached back and back-handed him across the face.
This isn't bad but it isn't great. Perhaps you can use this. " A small drop of blood trickled down from a cut on his cheek. The ring on my finger had cut his face.
I slowly, but easily lifted my shirt. Revealing a purple-blue bruise, exstending from my left shoulder blade to my right.
When you write a sentence for anything please read it and think of different ways to write it if you think it isn't very good.
I rather liked this. I felt a conection between the characters. Especially Celia. I felt some connection with Dustin but not much. I hope the other parts will exspand to other characters. ^_^ PM me when you have part 2.